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January 2013

Updated: Aug 6, 2020

I lay here in bed. Smelling cigarette smoke on my hoodie. Tasting alcohol on my tongue.

The past has once again come to haunt me as I try to break it apart and keep it from reaching my future. Will this always be a part of me? Will I always feel like two different people - one promised, one broken? That girl is no longer who I am, yet she controls my every thought, every move, every breath. I inhale desire and exhale my grief. Will I ever feel sane?

Normalcy is unattainable. I have been forever altered. Each new person I meet gives me a little of themselves, a little piece of knowledge or personality, and takes a small piece of my soul for their own. Such is life. But I fear that I will soon have no more pieces to give; and that the pieces already taken will not be appreciated or taken to heart. Don't take me for granted. All I've ever wanted is to feel like I belong, to feel a little special, valued, appreciated. Irreplaceable. My deepest desire is to feel a sense of purpose, to have someone need me. I want to color the world happy, create beauty with my hands and mind every day. The world deserves to smile, and I want to be the reason behind its grins.

These lines on my arm, the scars of my mistakes, they guide me. They are the straight and narrow path I sometimes wish I'd taken.

I've paid a heavy price for the mistakes of my past. But I know now that the price I paid has made me priceless.

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