6 years ago today, I made the hardest decision of my life. I was terrified, my head was foggy, and I had no idea how to be normal anymore. I was a shell of a human, and was 98% numb to emotion. I knew it wouldn’t be easy, and it wasn’t. Every new day brought new feeling back to me and I was on an emotional roller coaster. Eventually, with the help of my family and friends, I started to be a functioning and healthy member of society again. I made and lost friends along the way, attended funerals for people who had gone back on that same decision, and became so hopeful of what I could do with the rest of the life I was sure I would lose.
I still struggle – honestly, every day. I’ll always be a little different and view the world from a different perspective, but the people I love have come to accept me for every bit of what I am (and more importantly, so have I). My parents and I struggled for a really long time to get to a good place, and now they are my best friends (that’s some serious dedication). They have supported me emotionally (and financially - you guys have no idea) and made sure I knew I was loved during both the difficult and celebrated times.
Life hasn’t gotten any easier. The decision I made was not about choosing to live an easier life. It was a decision to live a fuller and more meaningful life, even if the struggles become harder. It’s an opportunity to bring joy to others instead of being a burden. It’s the choice to repair relationships and be conscious and healthy enough to play with your nephew (shout-out to Quinn!). My health is in worse shape now than it ever was then and that scares me every day. Some of it is my fault and that hurts to realize…but, honestly, if my life had gone any differently, I may not get to spend every single day with the love of my life and our babies, talk to my parents about even the weird stuff, or be involved in my brother and sister-in-law’s lives and be an aunt to the coolest Wallace ever.
Life has been knocking me down pretty hard over the past few months, but I am still grateful every day. I have an incredible family, a perfect job, a car that won’t explode while I’m driving (holla!), phenomenal friends, and my hair doesn’t look like crap today. I think I’m doing alright